I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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