I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
