I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
