Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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