WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I am available for nakedness
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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