just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
