ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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