They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
