We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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