I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
