Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
