I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
