just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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