So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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