I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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