that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
