i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
