Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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