She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
