I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
