On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He did a backflip because drugs
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
