I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
