Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's blow job season.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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