Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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