onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
