I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
