You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
