Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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