It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
