Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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