nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
