that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
