I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
