The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
