im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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