Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
