girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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