i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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