phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My ATM looks so different sober.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The air was thick with penises
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
