I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
