can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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