I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
we're so committed to being not committed
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
