Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
