So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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