what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
