please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
