He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
