Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
