i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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