feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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